The reason for my depression. I’ve been married most of my adult life. I’ve never cheated or had an affair. A few months back a lady that was temping at the company I work for started giving me lots of attention. During this time my marriage was more like having a roommate than being married. For whatever reason my wife and I drifted apart and neither of us was putting in the effort to work on our relationship.
So this lady is giving me attention and making me feel good about myself. It starts out as a friendship but quickly develops into more. She was very aggressive in what she wanted which was a sexual relationship. I had it within my power to push her away and not give in to the temptation, but I did not. She was 23 years younger than me and my ego led me down the path of starting an affair. As we got more involved I started developing feelings for her and she claimed to be also. I became totally consumed with what I was doing to the point it became obvious to my wife that something about me had changed. Long story short she found out. I ended up moving out and planning a new life that I was not sure of the outcome.
Things seemed great for a bit in my new relationship. I started noticing this lady started seeming to pull back a little while at the same time proclaiming her love for me. Then out of the blue she ghosts me, no replies to text phone call nothing at all. I realized what was happening that she was ending it and for whatever reason chose not to communicate this to me I sent her a final message telling her I realize it’s over between us that I wish she would have been adult enough to tell me that I would have respected her decision and I left it at that.
Out of the blue my wife messages me telling me that she is still in love with me and is willing to forgive me for the affair and willing to wait however long it takes for me to come to my senses. I did not think at this point she could still be in love with me or that I had any feelings for her anymore. She wanted me to come by the house one evening and talk about it so I did. We ended up agreeing that we wanted our marriage to make it and would be willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. She tells me she had come to the realization that where we both were at in our marriage either one of us could have fallen into an affair if the right person came along. It was this realization that made it so that she could forgive what I had done.
We are working on it and things are going well. This other person has made no attempt to contact me nor do I expect it. My wife may have forgiven me but I have not been able to. I have been bombarded with guilt and remorse for what I put her, my step children and my biological children through. I’ve found myself in a deep depression almost as soon as I moved back home. Some days aren’t as bad as others but I get no relief from it. Part of me believes I should suffer for what I’ve done, that I don’t deserve a second chance, or to be forgiven for my actions. It’s been three weeks and my depression has increased. I have talked extensively with my wife about it. She has been very understanding and I realize how fortunate I am to have her by my side through it all. So my depression is of my own making and I hope over time it will get better but for now I’m using this forum to reach out because I feel totally lost.