No, it is not. It is much, much worse than no happiness. Even if I never hear from her again, I can't regret it but it is much worse than if I had never met her or anyone. If she is gone, I will never make the mistake of trying to meet people again.


I don't even know if she is gone for good or why. She is never shy about telling me things I need to know. She still follows various things in my area and likes the photos on instagram. She hasn't unfollowed me on insta or FB. She has gone stretches of time like this(but getting close to the longest amount of time), it was just unexpected this time since we had such an amazing visit.

The last thing she sent before disappearing was a video telling me she loves me and to hold on but she looked very sad. It is not likely that she met another guy, at least not locally because her situation is very complicated that would pretty much preclude it. I guess it is possible but extremely unlikely.


Maybe I am in denial but it doesn't matter. I deserve to be mocked as you know. It seems to be enjoyable for people.


If I am here for my upcoming birthday I will be 51. Since my 30th birthday I have had an accumulated a total of maybe 10 months not alone. 2 weeks last July and before that was 2002 for about 3 months.


Apologies to @bluekoi for posting again.