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Originally Posted by atisketatasket
LT—I think susannah is on to something when she says he sounds like he was getting fed up with constantly having to prove he cared. I’ve been there with 2ex (not comparing you two otherwise, nothing alike). It is hell on the person having to prove they care. I doubt it’s as hellish for a therapist who’s less personally involved, but still frustrating.
And I am wondering if that dynamic exists in your personal relationships: people feeling they have to prove they care. Tbh, it does sound like it from a few relationships you’ve described on here. Not because you are doomed to be difficult or a bad person or whatever, but just because of the way you present yourself to them. If that’s right, I think it’s a dynamic you might want to work on changing with the next therapist.
As for blame or fault, this is a situation where it’s maybe better to consider responsibility and try to identify your own, so you can learn from it.
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Replying quickly to this...it's a good question, whether that plays out in other relationships. But I don't feel I do that with any friends, really. (I just confirmed with one, and she doesn't think I do at all--and she's someone who'd be honest with me!) Maybe a little with H at times? But I think it's really more an authority figure thing. And mostly male authority figures--I don't think I looked for stuff from ex-T (the woman) so much to prove she cared.
I think the thing with blame and fault is, I'm trying desperately to figure out what happened to make the relationship go so south so quickly (we had our issues and conflicts, but it feels the last 6 weeks or so it was in a tailspin). And worrying I'm doomed with the T I just started seeing. I certainly intend to limit outside contact with him (the fact that he uses phone in certain circumstances but doesn't like to use email should help). As that's a big part of what led to conflict with ex-Dr.T and I guess with ex-MC as well.
I do think in many ways, ex-Dr.T and I were just a bad fit, and I kept just trying to convince myself that I should make it work. I know I certainly played a role in that. But I also don't want to be in a place where I'm afraid to express needs/wants to a T because I'm worried I'm too needy. I think I just need to be more accepting of a "no."