I started seeing a new T temporarily at the beginning of the summer after my long-term T and I hit a rupture that felt like gridlock (partially about boundaries, partially not). I wanted to work things through with my T, but suddenly she seemed rigid and uncaring, not sensitive and kind like she did before. It was so very clear to me that the change in our relationship was a result of my transference/trauma triggers, but we just couldn't get through it without me having uncharacteristically huge reactions.


My T is pretty solid on working with the therapeutic relationship in a productive way, so I can see where Dr. T would be way, way out of his league if this kind of thing popped up. It's rough stuff. Several of the things he has said seem quite harsh and unhelpful, and I am impressed with how clearly you seem to recognize that you feel ready to move on.

I found a second T who used to be a colleague of my long-term T, and they consulted with each other early on. Maybe I'm a triangulator too, but it has been helpful to have the newer T to unpack what is my "stuff" and what likely resulted from missteps by long-term T. I don't think that focusing on the therapeutic relationship is always a distraction because often the things that happen between us are clearly about me, but that's a specific way of working on issues and will not apply to every therapeutic relationship.

Anyway, all this is to say that I think you should put all your cards on the table with the new T. I have been really explicit with new T about what happened with long-term T, how it fits into my relationship history/patterns, and what I want to work on. New T has been really validating, which helped me see how strongly shame and feelings of defectiveness had been activated. (New T and I have done some processing of my relationship with long-term T, are doing EMDR now, and then hopefully I can go back to long-term T and finish working things through with her.)

It seems likely that you will replay dynamics from your past (we all do!) and showing the new T that you are going into it with awareness, curiosity, and a willingness to change could be really important to making sure you're selecting the right therapist for the job. Try to find ways to work with your patterns, not against them.