Hi there and welcome to PC, I do not think you should be ashamed as you have a valid reason why this habit has developed. I also know you are not the only one who does this not to mention, everyone has atleast some form of weird habit they enjoy that they generally keep from others due to fear of being judged. I am not a therapist, nor do I know whether one will reach out to you via this forum, but I do know that if you truly want to get to the bottom of it you can seek out a therapist irl for answers. It is not something they would have not heard before. If that is just an absolute no-no for you, there has to be some other information online to give you more insight. If you are worried about people finding out via your browser history or something, set your browser to incognito and have at it.

All in all, I'd just like to say, hope everything turns out well for you!