I've been wondering if he's alive for a long time now. A long-distance relationship has never been easy for me nor him. I'm tired of pretending everything's ok. I'm sick of not being able to share my true experience with other people. I wish they could understand my position. But what I know for sure that once people hear out my story they will call me a stupid girl that confuses love with amorousness. 'You can't fall in love with people on the Internet. It's not real, it's just an illusion. How can people fall in love without seeing each other in real life?' so on and so on.
We got acquainted with each other for two and a half years ago in a dumb chat on a social media. At first, I didn't pay any attention at him. Neither did he. A month passed and we started to have small chit chats with each other. I thought he was really interesting and intriguing. I even found myself rereading his messages and wondering what would we have been talking about if he had written me. We got really close within 5 months and here I was slowly falling in love with him. Thankfully, the feeling was mutual. We would chat until late night about literally everything. One spring evening he told me he would visit me. Yeah, the thing is, we live in different countries far away from each other. Our love grew stronger and stronger, though. Everything seemed perfectly fine until he started to have troubles with his so called 'job'. You see, sport bids were the way he earned money. He was so devastated he couldn't 'do' money anymore that he decided to dump me. He said he loved me and didn't want to give me a false hope and hold me back from experiencing love in real life waiting for him to come. I was so angry, because I've been repeating that I would wait as long as he needed. He constantly pushed me away saying that one day I would understand. We hadn't spoken with each other for months. Now I see from his perspective that his intentions were pure, even if I considered them as egotistical.
It was really hard for me. I believed that I wasn't in rush. I still do. I would still wait for him.
The day he wrote me was so confusing. The feeling of having a loved one back that abandoned your relationship in the past is bittersweet. Having him by my side again even made me feel awkward at some point. 'Wow', I thought. He explained me that he wasn't strong enough to fulfill the emptiness in his life that I used to fill. That he wasn't strong enough to let me go. He said he would understand if I didn't want to do anything with him. Deep down I knew if I continued this conversation, we would go back to point we were at a few months ago. The truth is, I wasn't ready to let him go, too. Therefore, we kept in touch every day. There were ups and downs, happiness and frustration. Problems in his life caused a deep depression. We wouldn't even talk for months, again. Despite everything that had happened to us, we would still find a way to each other. We had a bound people fight for. One day he said that he had found a way to earn enough money so he could visit me in 3 months. Hope. It meant everything to me. The day I started my last year of school he told me I wouldn't even notice the passing of time. I was in ecstasy when I imagined touching, hugging and kissing him. I even hugged my pillow wishing it was him. I counted the days. A month passed and the worst happened. It completely broke my heart. I couldn't help him because I lacked money. I was wondering how can everything be ruined in no time. Is it destiny that doesn't want us to be together? Or are we not putting on enough effort? Then, he asked me a question I would never expect from a person like him. He asked me if I thought that a human has a right to choose whether to live or die. It completely caught me off guard as I started realising what he meant by this. I tried everything: from explaining it wouldn't solve any problems to crying out for conscience. But he was tired of life and of letting his close ones down for so many times that he asked me to forget about him at all. I cried myself to sleep that night. I still do. I still look at his photos every day. I still have his audio messages on repeat every day. And, I still haven't heard from him. The guilt and sorrow are eating me up inside. Sometimes I wonder how he would react if he knew that I committed suicide even if I know that he have always wanted me to live a life full of joy and with no regrets. But how can I live such life in the dark, not knowing for sure what had happened to him, not knowing for sure if he's alive or dead?
I am seventeen now and I wish I knew if everything's fine with you.