I am TRULY, DEEPLY sorry that you're hurting and struggling and that you're going through ALL OF THIS! YOU DON'T DESERVE IT AT ALL! I'm sure you know that already though. Please NEVER NEVER EVER EVER Give Up Hope No Matter What Happens To Either You Or ANY Of Your Loved Ones! Are you seeing a therapist, @funnyhaha? Maybe that could help. Please stay safe and take care of yourself. I second what the other wise, wonderful posters have already wisely and wonderfully said better than I ever could. TAKE THINGS AS SLOWLY AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN! You're important and you matter. You're worth, you're wise and YOU'RE WONDERFUL! Please don't you EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER forget that! Feel free to PM me anytime when you need someone to talk to or vent to or even advice and support. I am SURE plenty of others will alslo GLADLY, KINDLY, GENEROUSLY, WISELY and WONDERFULLY help you out as well! Sending Many Safe, Warm Hugs To BOTH You, @funnyhaha, Your Family, Your Friends And ALL Of Your Loved Ones! KEEP FIGHTING AND KEEP ROCKING! I am TRULY, DEEPLY SORRY that you're hurting and struggling SO BADLY and that you're going through ALL OF THIS! You don't deserve to suffer AT ALL! NOBODY deserves to suffer AT ALL and certainly not such a WONDERFUL person like YOU ARE! KEEP FIGHTING AND KEEP ROCKING!