I am extremely anxious. I stayed in bed until 10am yesterday and today because I was too anxious to get up. I am anxious about teaching. I have to come up with lesson plans and I know the kids are not going to like what we are doing (reading short stories) so I know it’s going to be a struggle. Every day is a struggle with them. I’m wondering if this was a good idea. I wish I was better at this.

Plus my paycheck was waaaay lower than I expected. I’m only taking home $200 more despite making $30,000 more on paper. It HAS to be a mistake. I can’t imagine that my taxes are more than 50% of my income! I have to check my paystub to figure it out. I can’t survive on my paycheck now, not with rent and childcare and all my bills. Part of the reason I wanted to teach again was that it was so much more money. I wouldn’t have taken the job had I known I would be paid so little. I’m hoping it’s a mistake somehow.

I’m so anxious that something is going to happen to RS. He’s trying to reassure me that he will be fine, but I know different. I know people can just die out of the blue. To be fair he doesn’t take drugs of engage in other risky behaviors but that doesn’t mean anything. He could die in a car crash or an aneurism or something. Anything. I don’t know what would happen to me if that happened. I’m having a really hard time getting the worry thoughts out of my head. He went out wheeling (going out on trails in his Jeep) today and I won’t feel comfortable until he’s home safe, which probably won’t be until around dusk. It’s going to be a long day

I hope I can get a handle on this anxiety. I hope it is just a temporary reaction to starting a new job. I don’t have any PRNs for anxiety. Ativan makes me too stoned. I haven’t taken klonopin in years, not sure how I’d react to that. However I don’t see pdoc until November. And I have to get insurance first. I won’t have insurance until nov 1.