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Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25
I am extremely anxious. I stayed in bed until 10am yesterday and today because I was too anxious to get up. I am anxious about teaching. I have to come up with lesson plans and I know the kids are not going to like what we are doing (reading short stories) so I know it’s going to be a struggle. Every day is a struggle with them. I’m wondering if this was a good idea. I wish I was better at this.
Plus my paycheck was waaaay lower than I expected. I’m only taking home $200 more despite making $30,000 more on paper. It HAS to be a mistake. I can’t imagine that my taxes are more than 50% of my income! I have to check my paystub to figure it out. I can’t survive on my paycheck now, not with rent and childcare and all my bills. Part of the reason I wanted to teach again was that it was so much more money. I wouldn’t have taken the job had I known I would be paid so little. I’m hoping it’s a mistake somehow.
I’m so anxious that something is going to happen to RS. He’s trying to reassure me that he will be fine, but I know different. I know people can just die out of the blue. To be fair he doesn’t take drugs of engage in other risky behaviors but that doesn’t mean anything. He could die in a car crash or an aneurism or something. Anything. I don’t know what would happen to me if that happened. I’m having a really hard time getting the worry thoughts out of my head. He went out wheeling (going out on trails in his Jeep) today and I won’t feel comfortable until he’s home safe, which probably won’t be until around dusk. It’s going to be a long day 
I hope I can get a handle on this anxiety. I hope it is just a temporary reaction to starting a new job. I don’t have any PRNs for anxiety. Ativan makes me too stoned. I haven’t taken klonopin in years, not sure how I’d react to that. However I don’t see pdoc until November. And I have to get insurance first. I won’t have insurance until nov 1. |
Financial anxiety can be so intense, I know.
I hope things get sorted out and it is a mistake.
I have have had similar anxiety after losing multiple family members suddenly in a plane crash. It was all so sudden and unexpected. It has been very difficult to manage the related grief and anxiety, for sure. It has taken many years.
I think you are doing okay with this. What more can we do but to give it time?
You might feel a bit more secure with RS going to do other activities if you can get yourself to a point to where you will do okay financially and otherwise should something happen to RS. Planning for your independence is wise and does not signal any lack of faith in your current relationship.
I think many women struggle with being fully independent from their partner, in many ways. It can be especially challenging when a child's welfare is a part of the equation.
If you end up needing klonopin to manage your anxiety, so be it. I know you do not take it as a first resort when trying to manage your anxiety. Sometimes, we need to use a med like this in order to break the cycle of ongoing anxiety. Panic attacks can kindle other panic attacks and if the cycle is not interrupted, panic may only become more frequent and more intense.
You have always worked so hard to overcome any obstacles. I admire your ability to keep on keeping on!
