I don't have much to add to what all the other wise, wonderful posters have already wisely and wonderfully said BETTER THAN I EVER COULD! I am TRULY, DEEPLY SORRY that you're hurting and struggling SO BADLY and that you're going through ALL OF THIS, @spikes! You don't deserve to suffer AT ALL and I'm sure you know that as well even if it's deep down inside you! Please take WONDERFUL care of yourself! I hope you'll decide to check yourself at a GOOD hospital as I feel like that may be the best option at the moment. Please ALWAYS remember that ALL of this is only temporary and that you'll get better with time! Please, PLEASE get yourself checked if you can... it's for your own good! You're a good, compassionate person and I'm sure you know it as well even though you may not be seeing it at the moment. Please treat yourself with KINDNESS and RESPECT! I am here for you if you need ANY help or some advice and support! My inbox is always open if you need someone to talk to or vent to and I'm sure I'm not the only one either! I am SURE EVERYONE HERE will be glad to help you! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @spikes, your family, your friends, ALL the people who are trying to help you and who Love you and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking, my dear, sweet friend! You've got this! I am TRULY, DEEPLY SORRY that you're hurting and struggling SO BADLY and that you're going through ALL OF THIS, MY AWESOME, KIND, GENEROUS, WISE AND WONDERFUL FRIEND!