I am sorry you continue to have a very challenging time.

Your posts and your stance sound to me like your illness is talking.
I am encouraging you to get some help right away before something serious happens to yourself or to someone else.

You have been reaching out here. Many have given you excellent feedback; you have posted in order to get some feedback.
Why not trust the feedback?

Does your pdoc take voice mail over the weekend? Many do and they check in for messages and/or have a messaging service contact them right away when a client is in crisis. Do you know if this or a similar type of service is available to you? In this state, it is illegal for pdocs to not have coverage for their clients, 24/7, 365.

I hope you will make a huge effort to reach your pdoc today. I also hope you will pursue help, as you are in crisis at this time.

It is your choice, of course. We can only give you feedback and support you as much as we can over the internet.
I hope you will make some healthy decisions today and will seek the help you need at this time.