Thanks everyone !

Yes it all makes sense.

My mother raised me when asked how I am I always say “ fine or good” how are you ??

My T and I traced the beginning of my Bipolar back to age 6. ( I’m 52 now , diagnosed Bipolar at 43) for decades I managed, I thought everyone had a racing mind. I saw a Pdoc for a couple years while my Father battled cancer and my first husband cheated and we divorced. My Pdoc never suspected Bipolar because I always “ present well “ Depression fit the circumstances.

So decades of internalizing, my T and I both agree in general those are just part of my core and are highly unlikely to change. So in the past my husband has been unaware just how bad I have been until I say “ I need you to drive me north” which means IP 110 miles away. He’s typically shocked. I have to force myself to telling him sooner that I’m not doing so well.

But anyway. Yes I need to get these trips straightened out, make them more tolerable and ultimately “ safer” for me. Until our friends moved to North Florida we would go down for 7-10 days at most , hell we are broke people on SSDI, we can’t afford hotels for weeks , nor having to eat out all the time.

So that is what’s changed on the last 2 trips down. Last Christmas it was a total of 3 weeks gone. Staying with our friends.

This last trip was a nightmare because my husbands high school reunion was in mid August but the grandchild’s Birthday wasn’t until sept 6th. I understood his logic about staying for both and not make the drive twice. He loves his class reunions, I don’t go , I don’t know anyone, I’m happy he goes , he has a great time and it leaves me more time with my daughter.

One thing that also needs to be considered, my husband was diagnosed with emphezema 9 years ago , managed with inhalers well until 2 years ago he wound up in the hospital in respiratory crisis and came home on oxygen 24/7 , over a few months he was able to wean off it to just at night use. Unless he’s exerting himself and then he has to stop what he’s doing and use his oxygen for a few mins.

Unless something else medically causes his death, this will eventually put him on oxygen full time and these trips will be impossible and it will lead eventually to his death and it will be a painful one. I think he’s so driven to make the trips because even tho he has come to terms with it , he feels he’s running out of time ..possibly? I can’t ignore this key issue.

This year alone he’s had 3 nasty lung infections that took each over a month and double length antibiotic runs to clear it up , then before we were to leave he went from doing well to in the hospital very ill in a matter of 2 days

I also watch his health like a hawk , worked medical all my life. I know what to watch for, I know if he’s starting to catch something I’m on the phone to our Doctor where as my husband would give it a few more days. He no longer has the luxury of “ let’s see if my body can fight it off”

I am just not comfortable sending him alone , if he gets sick I won’t be there to ensure he’s taken care of, that he’s put on the right type of antibiotic, if he’s getting sick here , our doctor orders a sputum culture so we know exactly was bacteria it is and what antibiotic will take care of it. Joeblow walk in clinic will just give him whatever and my husband wouldn’t know if it would be right or not. So him sick in Florida and my staying up here could easily turn into I have to get there ASAP and that comes with a whole set of other problems.

I just wish that grandchild would have been born in June or july so trips could be more spaced out.

My Bipolar can’t steer our lives anymore than it does, it’s not fair for him, so compromise is needed on both our sides.

Im going to get him to understand that anything more than 2 weeks is more than I can manage , period. Last Christmas trip we could only afford 3 days in a hotel. The rest was with our friends who live 4 hours away from the kids. I’m not comfortable staying there for over 2 weeks , it’s too long to be in someone’s home.

I know many of you will think this should be a simple case of me saying Nope ! I’m not going !!! and honestly I wish it was.

But none of this is simple.

I’m tore between talking to him before I see my T again , so he (T) can help me process whatever problems it causes or after I see him where we can run through scenarios, so I dont burst into tears and make matters worse for “ me”

Good grief I have rambled a damn novel. Sorry about that but I felt I needed to give out info to show the bigger picture.

Why can’t anything be easy ?!?!?!

Thanks again everyone ! All this support is helping me so much