H is turning 50 soon and is having an emotional affair which has got pretty serious. I discovered this 3 months ago. He moved out 6 months ago, and lives in a rented room - sometimes the other woman spends time (including nights) there with him. Up to now he has been known among family and friends as being a man of integrity and wisdom, committed to the family.

He is in huge turmoil and a depression, likely has a massive midlife crisis, can’t decide what he wants to do. Says he’s in love with the other woman (his friends tell me his eyes light up when he talks about her), but then, and here’s where I’m struggling, he says that it may seem crazy but when he thinks of his retirement he sees it with me and the children next to him. Previously he has told me when I asked him pointedly that in an ideal world without egoism he would want me to wait for him but that he has no right to expect it. He says he hates himself for what he’s doing, and that it’s like looking at himself in a film.

Our 20-year-old marriage was solid - based on a solid friendship (perhaps too much). We were soulmates who stopped talking about things of the heart and the bed, and devoted our attention to the children.

Tomorrow he’s finally going to a therapist (one specialising in infidelity) and I’m going to a lawyer. He has asked me to if I can wait until he sorts himself out.

Any one with experience in this type pf situation and insight into what’s happening and likely to happen next? In feel like I am in a chess game.