**Potential trigger warning for abuse.**
I was in a relationship for several years with a very toxic man. He was heavy in to drugs and alcohol. He was a narcissist. He was a very smooth talker and knew just how to manipulate me to do exactly what he wanted. He gas lighted me. He stone walled me. He could be the sweetest, most romantic and considerate person one second and the next, an incredibly cruel and heartless one. When he'd get angry at me, he'd take it out on things I loved.
When I was finally released (to my parents), I went to our apartment and he was gone. I did not contact him after that. I considered myself free. About 2 years later, he appeared behind me on my walk to work. Scared me to death. He told me he couldn't stop thinking about me. Couldn't live without me. I ran to my office. I told the guard at the front desk (I work in government). But he kept finding me. He showed up at my new apartment and threw rocks at the window. He wrote me love letters. He would appear in a crowd when I was out in public, or he would send me an email along the lines of "I really liked that yellow dress on you today."
I got married. My husband was always so anxious about this ex of mine. He was jealous of the obsession, I guess? We saw a therapist together for it. We seemed to be doing okay. But, over the course of our 4 year marriage, we realized we were going different directions in life-- he was going to always work a very minimal job and I was getting my masters degree and going places. He didn't want to go there with me. We split amicably. Or so I thought. But, my husband decided we were splitting because I was seeing my stalker ex. So, the day the divorce papers were signed, he called my ex (how he tracked him down I do not know) and he told him something along the lines of "Come get her. She's free for the taking."
My stalker ex drove from three states away, leaving his pregnant girlfriend, to find me. He showed up and instead of being rational, I was devastated after my divorce (even though it was amicable, it was still hard to lose your future) so I let myself be manipulated by this man. He squatted in the spare room of my house and told me everything I needed to hear about my failed relationship. However, within a day or two, he was the bitter and arrogant man I knew. He had brought guns with him and set up targets out back (I lived on acreage) and started shooting practice. He then started googling how to make bombs. He told me the government was watching him and sending satellites to see him. He was clearly disturbed. So I told him to leave. And that's when he started to hurt me. He said he'd leave when he was ready. That I wasn't the boss of him. I remember not truly understanding what was happening. He was there for two weeks and I retreated back to my same old pattern of believing the horrible things he said.
and told me to go home and relax. Looking back now- it really was NOT a good way to handle anything. I of course denied medical treatment because I couldn't admit this had happened to me. I should have. But I didn't. I just took a few days off work, then hid my injuries and used makeup to hide it and lied that I'd gotten bucked off my horse.
He was in jail then and I was feeling remorseful. I am angry at myself for feeling that way. The county I lived in was not protective at all. Even though I had a restraining order, they allowed him to come back after he was released on bond. They didn't allow me to testify. I wasn't involved at all in his hearing. He was given deferred adjudication. They then told me he was allowed to come to my house to "get his things". I was all alone. I did not have any friends or family. So I held on to a hammer and watched him load his things and leave. I did not give him his guns. He told me I was crazy and ruined his life, but left not to be seen again. His deferred adjudication was served in 2 years and his RO was lifted. And every year since then, on the date that he was arrested, he will contact me. He is always nice. Always apologetic. But clearly unstable. About 2 years after the RO was lifted, I came home (I'd moved twice by then) and all of my things were thrown around. I called the cops and they say "Are you sure it wasn't like this when you left?" They then decided it was my cat that knocked things around. I just wanted to say "Are you serious?" But, there was no proof. And so I just had to sit up that night scared out of my mind. He never came back.
He hacked my online e-diary and started commenting on it. I've changed emails and I've changed phone numbers. I've blocked him on Facebook. But every year, without fail, he reaches out. And-- even though I block him, it still scares me. Brings back all these memories. I feel lost. This haunts me. I still have nightmares about him.
My boyfriend now doesn't understand. He has come from a physically abusive childhood, but he tells me this is different. He says I "could have gotten away". That I chose to be with my ex. Almost like this is my fault. He says "Just keep changing your email- problem solved". But, does it really? The fear I feel every time I get a message from me is damaging enough.
I see a therapist of course, but even she moves past it quickly. No matter how often I bring it up. It's all I think about. I can't even say this guys name without being terrified. And there is no doubt that if at any time, he wanted to come back-- he could.
I just feel-- sad. Bewildered. Lost. And no one understands. I am all alone.