Here I go again. I know I’m getting ahead of myself here, but I can’t help it. I emailed you, after taking a 6 week break, to schedule an appointment. You replied, but due to a “family crisis” you are clearing your calendar “and don’t know when you’ll be seeing clients again". You gave me a couple of options, to email you, or to see a colleague of yours. To both of those options, I say “NOPE”. Repeat...NOPE, NOPE, NOPE!!! F*** no I’m not going to bother you during whatever it is you’re going thru. Seriously, my sh* is stupid, and we both know it.
I know I’m the one who called for the break. I don’t need to see you that often. But you’re still the only support system I have when I get overwhelmed.
On the “bright” side, this isn’t nearly as bad as when T1 told me about her cancer diagnosis. I saw her once or twice after that and that was it. She was gone. I was devastated beyond anything I had ever experienced before. It was really, really bad and I did not cope well with that at all. You helped me thru that. However, I’m still crushed. I feel terribly selfish for feeling this way. I don’t “know” that this is it, but I feel like this is the end and I’ll never see you again. I get the sense you may shut your practice down now. I don’t know. I just automatically go to worst case scenario. The thought of never seeing you again leaves me feeling heartbroken.
I have trouble trusting anyone, even people I know. I’m not starting with another one. I tend to shut down. If I do manage to open up, I’ll run and hide afterwards…shut down. I call it “turtle-ing”. Like I’m imitating a turtle. Stick my head out of my shell, then duck and hide afterwards. I am petrified of connection. You called it “fortressing”. So…you really think I’m going to see someone else??
Since I was the one to ask for a break, I struggled for over a week before emailing you to set something up. I made a list of reasons why I needed to talk to you. If I didn’t think those reasons were legit enough to warrant an appointment, I wouldn’t have bothered you. I reviewed that listed for days. I debated. I can’t just decide to see you because it makes me feel good. I finally get the courage up to ask for an appointment. I get shot down. It’s so painful. Wracked with guilt for feeling the way I feel when you are going thru something that obviously just turned your world upside down.
Not sure I could ever see you again after this. Not until I know what it is that did this to you.