i know i'm gonna regret this post to the point where i'll log off when i've posted it...but i feel i have to post it.

despite the short time i've been a member here...everybody has been fantastic. i've even had practical help...and those members know who they are and should know how grateful i am!

but one thing i've never been able to do is lie to ppl...even by omission..to me just dodging something you're ashamed to own up to equates to a lie...guess that's stupid but it's me.

so here's what i need to confess...and i don't expect anybody to want to know me afterwards...but that's ok, it's your right to choose to turn your backs on scum...

some folks here know i got 3 boys. one is 10 yrs old with aspergers. one is 9 yrs old with tourettes. one is 7 yrs old...he's ok but he was born premature and had probs til he was 5 but he's fine now. his biggest prob was learning to talk. he didn't start learning to talk til he was four and a half. up til then he used sign language for my benefit...long story.

anyhow, i've had mental health probs since childhood but i never let that get in the way of smothering my kids with love....that's what mom's are SUPPOSED to do!

everything was fine til their daddy died...(read anon in clyde's corner for more on that...yes, i'm that pathetic woman!)...

at the time he died i was still recovering from a 2 month spell in I.C.U. plus very severe ptsd amongst other things. i still coped for about 5 months, tho it meant taking myself of all my meds and getting by on 2 hrs sleep in every 24 coz my eldest is hyperactive.

but 5 months after he died i had a breakdown.

literally couldn't talk...garble came out my mouth that bore no relation to what i was trying to say.

couldn't walk straight...you'd think i was drunk.

couldn't pick up a cup...had no hand to eye co-ordination.

now obviously i was in no fit state to tend to myself let alone 3 very special little boys...so what's the first thing i done as soon as i could make myself understood? ....here's the bit i expect you all to hate me for....i BEGGED social workers to send my kids to foster folks who could care for them properly...yes, BEGGED!!! for my own kids to be taken away...because i LOVE them and they deserved better...they've never minded looking after me but that's robbing them of a childhood in my opinion!

so now they live on a farm with a wonderful family....learning to ride horses, play instruments, getting the proffessional help they need for tourettes, speech, losing their daddy etc.

i have 2-3 times a week contact with them and they know they can fone, text any time day or nite....i go to their medical appointments, school recitals etc...but due to the severity of my mental health probs...with amnesia, D.I.D., ptsd etc etc...the list goes on...they'll be staying on the farm til they come of age.

they know how much i love them, they know i nearly died birthing the youngest coz i wouldn't agree to the docs terminating...to me that would've been killing a special new life to save my own ***...no can do...they know i fight tooth and nail to get them things like counselling, anything they need, they know i'm here for them 24/7 no matter what and i'll always love them to pieces no matter what.

but i begged for my own kids to be taken away...so...so much for being the loving mom and doing a great job with my autistic son etc!

end of confession.