. Tomorrow is my 31st birthday. For the last 20 years I have told myself that this is the year I'm going to change and it never happens.

I have fantastic wants and needs and goals to meet and am thrilled to begin working on them but cannot ever start. I have a bookshelf full of hundreds of self help books but haven't read a single one. I have had amazing opportunities to start excellent jobs and every single time I find an excuse not to. If I already have the job I go out of my way to find an excuse to quit. It is a constant struggle to force myself to brush my teeth once a day, have a decent meal, or go to bed at a reasonable hour.

I would rather eat garbage (that I dont even like) and immerse myself in porn and YouTube. It is like anything that will better myself is simply put on hold. My brain completely blocks it out and begins finding an excuse or something else to do. I am constantly under the mindset that the grass is always greener and if my situation just had this in it than my life would be better like so and so. I have been to therapy and was on an ssri for over a year and stopped because the psych said that she couldn't help me anymore.

The ssri just made me not care about anything at all and I was just floating through life so I stopped. I want more than anything to be normal. To be able to provide for my family and be an adult. I feel like such a child. I came here to try and find out what the heck is wrong with me and why I am like this. If anyone has any ideas I am all ears. Thank you for reading this. I wish everyone well.