I just noticed that I'm, yet again, falling into a pattern of eventual avoidance of things.

Do other people often start something with some excitement, and then very soon after, almost start dreading the task(s). It has happened to me so many times throughout my life. It doesn't happen with everything I do, but certain categories of things, like classes, volunteer jobs, travel opportunities, and the like. I think I'm making great progress forward, and then "Boom!" It all seems to turn into a struggle/dread.

Something happened to me that made me now not want to do the volunteer job they gave me at NAMI. I'm not sure that other options would have made me fall into this figurative hole, but the one they gave me did. Just like my French classes, it started great, and then...not. I'm struggling with the thought that I have to drive to NAMI tomorrow morning and be there for two hours. Hubby is not home until late today. I'm rebelling. I haven't eaten anything but junk/desserts today, and I can't imagine eating anything good later on. Or if I do, I might also eat junk.

My therapist is great, but I feel strange mentioning the above, all the same. It's a real pattern for me that's so hard to fully break. I'm leaving to see her in less than 15 minutes. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow afternoon.

I don't exactly feel depressed. Just a dread. I often equate it to me trying to grab on to a magnet, but we're the same pole, and I'm repelled by it.

This tendency is one of the reasons I struggle to get off of disability.

Does anyone ever get an overwhelming desire to run away? And yet, you know that if you run away you'll end up suffering even more? Then I start saying over and over again that "I want to go home. I want to go home. I want to go home." And yet, I am home.