Yesterday was the first time I've said a prayer in years. I was trying to get an appointment for another therapist, after a really horrible experience with one on Wednesday. I just kept getting the run-around again, shrinks booked up for 6-8 weeks, or not accepting patients, or voice mails and they didn't call me back. I was getting so frustrated.

I started crying. There are water stains on my insurance book with the phone numbers from my tears.

I said, Heavenly Father, please help me, I know I have made a lot of mistakes and I really want to change but I need help. Please help me fix this. And some other stuff.

So why don't I feel any better.

Sometimes I wonder if there even is a God up there. I was always told that I should "feel" something but I never felt that feeling people talk about. Even when I was still a good person and I hadn't sinned.

Then sometimes I feel like I've done so many horrible things that I'm just not worthy of being happy. That I've brought all this upon myself and it's my own fault my life is going to pot. I was given so much and I'm just ungreatful and this is my punishment. A lifetime of unhappiness....all for a few moments of stupidity.

I just don't know what to believe anymore.