My therapist helped me understand that I am not failing as a teacher if I can’t get my students to do work. She said that if you’re not even sure you want to be alive, if you’re not sure you have a future, then why would school matter? I felt that. Because that’s exactly how I felt in high school. I had lost sight of that. So I’m going to work to show more compassion to my students and not judge myself so harshly if my lessons go awry. Once again, my therapist helped me see the truth. I am fortunate to have her.

I have calmed down a bit from the weekend, however when I got home today expecting RS to be there and he wasn’t, I just said to myself oh, he’s dead. Died in a car crash and they just haven’t notified me yet. So that was extreme. But once again my therapist helped me with that too. She said that I need to lean into the thoughts. That I need to prepare myself and then it won’t seem so scary. So basically just keep saying and then what until I get to the end. Like ok, he dies. And then what? I will be devastated. And then what? My son will be devastated. And then what? I will lean on my family for support like I did last time. And then what? I will tear myself out of bed to support my son. Etc etc. I know it doesn’t sound like it would help but it actually did.

Tomorrow I need to work on my lesson plans. I need to keep them up to date in case they come looking for them. I have been avoiding it because it’s labor intensive and I am a huge procrastinator. However I must practice because I will start my course in October and I must have all my ducks in a row.