Last night I was beside myself. I was exhausted, but wanted to rush around, I felt impulsively suicidal for no reason, my insides were flipping around making being still very uncomfortable, and my mind was raging with wild, racing thoughts. It was like a mixed state. As I could no longer bear it I took 25 mg of Seroquel which I keep for emergencies. Nothing. So I had more and finally fell asleep. This morning I feel calm and ok but I’m worried about what’s in store for me.

All these symptoms I believe are due to me tapering off Lithium. Lithium never stopped a mixed state so I doubt it is a re-emergence of Bipolar. It has been three weeks since I started tapering. Six days since awful physical, now emotional, symptoms started, and I am only 5/8th’s the way off Lithium. For now I’m going to sit at this dose till things calm down. F***ing meds!

On top of this those closest to me are fed up with me being unwell or dealing with this kind of stuff so I have no one to talk to outside my T. Maybe that’s enough. It just hurts that I’ve burnt out those close to me. I’ve lost many relationships before so I’m keeping my mouth shut and talking about fluffy stuff.

Last night worried me. The feeling of being mixed is almost unbearable. I’m trying to move forwards in my life but keep getting stuck. I need to be in good health off Lithium. I’ve come off benzodiazepines before and this is just as bad. Guess all I can do is push on, and try and have some fun along the way.