Same old post over and over it feels. I handle a lot IRL. At times my postum notes are way to full. "postum notes being worries" Most of mine belong to the kids. My sister. A few belong to me. Those i put last "not at the center". I just feel the need to post like everyone else right now. Even now feeling guilty I am. That I can not be super strong and keep it to myself.
Phone rings last night. Its my sister. "of course" her voice the worst I have heard it. So we start the questions. Whats wrong? Whats going on?
The answer is "her answer is" its the 16 mth anniversary. I am thinking real fast threw my head. Crap what ann. Who died on this day? She finally says 16 mths of being sober. I think phew. Ok ...why are you sad then? I knew from that point this is not going well. Her voice reminded of the day she was going to harm herself. which was 16mths ago. I suck in air and think please not now "in my head"
I remained calm on the phone. I was in chat at one point of her conversation. I said gotta go sister on phone.
It ended being she was out of money. Most of her food. She had over bought or spent. Always the same thing. The whole time shes saying she does not want help. But along with the talking shes going on about no food. How depressed she is. How much she had screwed up. Her voice still being like my dads. Low key. And i know that voice. She went to AA last night which is a good thing. She came back home called me still the same voice on the phone. Telling me they had given her cookies."shes 45 minutes away from me" By this time of my own choice the guilt sets in. What guilt I do not know. Guilt I have food?
Guilt , just plain guilt?
She knows I will fix it cause the guilt eats at me. I can not leave her with out food. She was here on easter. Got her stuff then. Why did she not tell me then. I got her a hard line phone this week. So bill would be cheaper.
I am starting to ramble as always. sorry.........Ended up I assured her things would be ok. "for her" that left me with aniexty. i thought I had under control. Untill at 2;30 am i woke up in pain. If i get to far stressed I get pain in my stomach. Which is silly. i know what it is. i know its a panic attack of sorts. So i get up. Sit at the dinning room table thinking please make it leave, Please oh please make it go.
I could have got on comp or called someone. I just thought good greefff. Finally it left. Or i fell asleep. Not sure which came first.
I of course made arrangements to get money to her today. Cause I have to have that stress gone. She of course was happy. By the way on her way out to go with her friends. They were buying her lunch.
Yes I know it was the wrong thing to do. But i can not leave her with out food. Nor can I handle the guilt. Why guilt cause i have food. IDk ........................
All as I know is she has to take control of her life . cause i can not handle the stress. It makes my stomach in knots. For pete sakes shes older.
I do not want to have to deal with this anymore.....................................
So i wrote this around 12 today. my daughter has since taken the money to her. She was not home. Daughter left it on her table. My daughter being the tough cookie she is . Looked in my sisters cupboards. Guess what full of food. Freezer full. Frig full.
This leaves me with being up part of the night and feeling like a fool............How naive can I be.................Plus I had to work today.......good greeff