you were right in that you did not take part in the communion if you did not believe in the ceremony. you know hon you should not feel guilty about wanting to see a loved one. whatever it takes in my opinion to get you there is good enough. but one must remember to live that life once you give your heart to God. It seems your heart is heading in that direction and if I can help in any way please feel free to pm me. it is difficult to make that decision at times especially when you are young.