My Support Forums - View Single Post

*Beth* · Sep 18, 2019, 10:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Catchingthesun

....The medicine does tame me but it also takes away my passion, any sex drive I ever had, made me gain 50lbs and I basically try and have some version of the joy I once had. I’m at a point in my life where I’m like can my family and I manage with regular therapy visits, etc.

I’ve never gone off my medications before and I know all the signs. I need real stories, thoughts....

Thanks,
Catchingthesun

Your use of the word "tame" gave me a chill. I am in a constant battle with meds "taming" me vs. me being myself. Yes, I feel like my wild, wonderful self has been tamed. What an exact word for this.

I've been on medication for three decades, but when I went on Seroquel 7 years ago I gained 100lbs. As a result, I am in chronic pain, have high blood pressure, etc., etc. I finally weaned off the Seroquel (which never did anything except help me sleep). Now I'm on Abilify and have gained 5lbs. in the 3 weeks I've been on the stuff.

I feel half-alive. My normally way creative mind is blah. Everything is, in fact, blah. All I'm truly excited about is being able to sleep (when I'm able to).

And...my mind is quiet, I'm not off-the-chart angry all the time, and mentally handicapped by severe, relentless, delusional anxiety. I'm reasonable, and I play well with others.

But where did my natural passion go?

The way it feels to me, in my more bitter hours, is that I was given a great gift...to be extraordinarily intuitive, creative, sensual, ecstatic about the aliveness of life, impassioned - but there's a terrible trade-off. The B side of great is having to be on meds so I can be horrifyingly ordinary. And not on meds? Little to no ability to function, terribly depressed and frighteningly anxious. Unpredictable rages. Smashed by my own mind. Dragged to a miserable psych hospital in handcuffs.

I don't have any answers for you, or a lecture to recite. All I can say is...I understand and you're not alone.