I began by telling R that it had been an intense week, but I had written something after last session. She asked whether I wanted her to read it, and I passed the piece of paper over.

‘You have a really beautiful way of expressing yourself with writing.’

‘Thank you. I’d been thinking about what you said regarding some people writing letters.’

‘And that is sort of what you’ve done here.’

‘I know I will never get the chance, but I would like to say to them ‘Look at what you’ve done!’

‘You want them to know what they’ve done. It doesn’t sound like you want anything in particular to come of that, but you want them to be aware.’

‘Yes. Every time something happened…fear.’

‘With a capital F, I am assuming?’

‘Exactly – Fear, anger and disappointment.’

I talked about Chris again, and how I only knew what I needed to know. ‘I only knew what I knew at the end, because I happened to be the first person she’d been in touch with.’
I went on to talk about how I felt there were similarities between the way Chris treated her children with regard to information about her illness, and how she treated me.

‘She wanted to protect those she cared about?’

‘…I am just going to acknowledge the ouch.’

‘That hurts?’

I talked about having points of reference for everything – birthdays, family, friendships, romantic relationships…

‘Do you mean you have remembered conversations about all of those things?’

‘We talked about life, the universe and everything, and yet the only information I have about how Chris responded to anger is second hand, and in a specific context.’

R asked me to clarify.

‘In a conversation Francisco told me about, six weeks before…why are those the hardest words in the world? Six weeks before the end of her life, when she expressed frustration with her health. That seems more justified to me.’

‘It seems more justified than what you are going through?’

‘Yes.’
R talked about how she felt I had really let her in on my relationship with Chris over the last couple of months. ‘I can see you almost drawing strength from that relationship, and thinking ‘What would Chris do in this situation?’ only you haven’t got a blueprint for this.’

‘I have a blueprint for everything else!’ We laughed about that a bit, and R said she almost wanted to request access to my blueprint cupboard.

‘Can you try something for me?’ She asked ‘Can you say the words ‘I have a right to be angry.’?’

I took a deep breath. ‘I have a right…I have a right to be angry.’

‘Put a swear word in there if you need to.’

‘I have a right to be ****ing angry.’

‘I have a right to tell others about my anger.’

‘The how is negotiable, and not now…’ I turned to look at R. ‘I have a right to tell others about my anger.’
‘I am not going to push you too far. I have a right to express my anger.’

‘I have a right to express my anger.’

‘They’re like mantras or affirmations, whether you think them or say them out loud.’

She asked how that felt, and I replied that it felt as though they’d cleared some of the blocks.

‘Because I feel violated, I have every right to feel angry.’

‘That is personal to you.’

R asked how I felt coming to the end of the session, and I said that I needed to stop over-extending and leave something for myself, so that I can create.

She said she felt a bit blown away by the progress I have made. I made a comment early in the session about anger and sadness being different energies, and she liked that.

She asked me whether I feel it is possible for me to be compassionate and caring to others as well as to myself, and then realised she’d have to leave me with that one. She warned me against relying on ‘What would Chris do?’ at the expense of my own moral compass.