It's dawned on me recently that I suffer from CEN. I had a disabled mother and an emotionally absent father. I never had any of my negative feelings validated. I see now that it means I have a total inability to deal with negative things. I can't confront and I can't deal with conflict. I have no coping mechanisms to rely on except to freeze or run away.

It's meant that I'm unable to put other people first. As much as I would like the rewarding relationship, it appears unobtainable to me while I continue to struggle with these emotions. Yes it means I'm empty inside and then envy everyone else who appear to have what I don't.

Things were compounded when my son took his own life 4 years ago. Intellectually I can process the whole thing but emotionally I feel incapable and this has now resulted in the break down of my relationship with the only person that has ever cared for me and put me first.

She stood by me during that whole time but I was unable or incapable of returning her kindness. Instead her pain and struggles became more and more severe and I am painfully aware that I don't have the tools to support and help her like she did for me. I feel a fraud, a failure and OK, yes I also feel like an alien, different from everyone else.

It's slowly dawning on me that I would be better off in my own little world, away from normality, where I can be content on my own, without having to constantly think about my CEN.

This is not how I thought things would turn out. I didn't think I would feel this way. As a kid, i sort of accepted that I had self esteem issues but thought that they would iron themselves out in the future when I found someone to complete me.

It sounds like a whole heap of horses**t now.

Sorry, thanks for allowing me to vent