I had a really good T session last night. I'm still trying to process it. My head feels foggy and I fear I can't remember it all. She took the suicidal thoughts seriously. We already had an agreement in place that if I were ever to attempt suicide I was to call her first. Last night she upped the ante and said not only do I have to call her first, but we have to meet. I begrudgingly agreed. I was like, you're changing the rules! You didn't say that before! She didn't back down. She said, "I'm saying it now." She also said she would really be impacted (or something like that) if I were to die by suicide. It made me feel close to her. It's the first time I have actually felt cared for by her. I can still feel some of that caring today. And the email I sent to the controller at work telling her of my depression and lack of focus as to why I missed a couple of details lately, she took it really well and told me I am doing a good job and that we can work on fixing a few things together and that she would never judge me for that. It made me feel accepted. No one else at work knows about my depression (except my former boss knows but she retired). I don't feel safe telling any of them, but I felt safe telling the controller. Maybe because she is in NY and I could tell her via email?! Plus I don't have to see her every day and have to answer questions like are you okay? So I am glad I shared that with her. And I am glad I was open with my T and told her how severe the thoughts were. I didn't sugar coat it or minimize it. I was pretty blunt. But I felt like she really stepped up to the plate. Plus I see her next week, so it's not so long between appointments. I'm hoping we can get some more accomplished like last night. And get that trust built up between us. I also found out that if the agency closes at the end of the year, she is going to move to another agency that has two offices locally and she can continue to see me (I assume they take my insurance, I have pretty good insurance for an HMO). So at least I don't feel like at the end of the year, I'm just messed over. I feel a little more hopeful today than I have been. My anxiety is through the roof, but I took some anti-anxiety medication and it has calmed down significantly. I know the anxiety is all work related. Because I didn't feel it until I got to work. I'm hoping I can just relax at work today and not be putting out fires. But we'll see. Thanks for reading this long post anyone who did. HUGS Kit