T session last night: My head is kind of foggy so I will do my best to make this coherent, in as much as I remember about the session. Most of what I remember is emotional--how I feel, and not so much the actual stuff that was said, but I'll give it a go, and see if I can process some of this here on PC.
T came and got me from the waiting room. The first thing I noticed was that she didn't have flowers in her hair. I like when she wears flowers in her hair. It's charming. As we were walking back to her office, she asked me how my day had been. I said it had been challenging. When we got to her office, I asked her how her day had been. She said it was stressful. She also works at a hospital, and the patients are supposed to come see her for therapy, but they weren't coming, so she had to go and find them, and often they were engaged in other activities, so the day just wasn't smooth. It didn't flow how it was supposed to flow. I told her how my day was challenging. That the GM had kept me there late, venting about an employee. I'm in Accounting but I am also in charge of HR (really needs to be two people honestly, but we don't have the payroll for it apparently). And so he was venting to me for about 20 minutes. Which felt weird. It felt like we (mostly he) was talking about another employee behind his back. I've always been taught that you complain up not complain down. But I've also never been responsible for HR before so maybe this is part of HR. He kept me there pretty late, and I really don't know if I was helpful, but I was like, okay, if you need to talk, I guess you can talk to me.
Then I got down to business with T. I told her I had seen the PDOC (who currently works in the same office as her) twice since I had seen her because of the suicidal thoughts. I told her I had had really intense suicidal thoughts for 5 days straight and I knew it was time to call the doctor because I really did not want to live. If I would have had the means, I would probably not be here. I told her how
. I felt for the first time perhaps that she really took my suicidal thoughts seriously. We have had a pact for a while now that if I were ever to attempt suicide, I had to call her first. She upped the ante. She said, not only did I have to call her, but we had to meet, and I had to to get her permission. Which I reluctantly agreed to. I doubt she's ever going to give me her permission but I figure if I call her and we meet then I've done what I said I would do. I told her, you're changing the rules, that's not what you said before. To which she replied, "Well I'm saying it now." I agreed to it because I was more in my right mind last night and I know she had my best interests at heart.
We talked about how if I committed suicide it would impact people that I haven't even thought it would impact. Coworkers, people at Church, etc. She told me that her ex-husband (who has been her ex for like 30 years) just
last February. I said I was sorry. She said he wasn't even suicidal for very long. He just had a bad day and ended things. She then told me about a few different patients she has had that have killed themselves and how it impacted her. She also told me about a coworker she had that had
and how that had impacted her. She told me she would be greatly impacted (or something like that) if I were to kill myself. I brushed her off. I said, no you wouldn't. You would just be like, one less person I have to deal with. She said, "No, I wouldn't." I actually felt very cared for in that moment. That was really the first time I have felt cared for by her. I felt like she meant those words. It touched me. I still feel the care today.
We talked about how if I were to kill myself it would put my nieces and nephews at higher risk of suicide. I said I know that, but at the time, I didn't care. I just wanted to die. She told me that it would cause my Dad to fall to pieces. I said I know, but at the time, I just didn't care. I just didn't want to be here any longer. I just didn't want to be in pain. She said that she got that, that she understood.
We talked about my hallucinations and how I have been reacting to them. She didn't have much to say about them except perhaps I am tapped into more of a world in between this one and the next. I don't really believe that, but we did talk about angels and demons. She said I probably give my angels a lot of workout trying to keep me safe. I said yeah, I probably exasperate a lot of people. She said I'm not talking about people, I'm talking about your angels. We talked about that for a while and different experiences that I have had where I feel a divine presence stepped in to save my life. She said if that is so, then my job is not done yet on earth, that I'm supposed to keep living. I said, I know but that God would forgive me if I die.
We talked about some lighter stuff like movies, and things I like to do or places I like to go to. She is trying to strengthen my will to live. We talked about hope a lot and about my religious leanings.
I don't remember some of the other stuff we talked about. Mostly stuff about keeping me alive. And how my suicidal thoughts were escalating. She was pleased that I hadn't self harmed in 30 days. She asked me how I managed that. I said, self harm wouldn't have been enough. I knew it wasn't safe to engage in when I was that suicidal. She seemed to get that.
I feel more at ease and more at peace today than I have been. I feel connected to my T and I feel like she is invested in me. If it would affect her if I died by suicide, she must care for me on a basic level. I felt some of that caring last night and I can still feel it today. I have a session with her next week, same day, same time. So at least I don't have to wait so long for an appointment. I think we did good work last night.
Comments welcome.
Kit