Ok... So not exactly sure if I'm even on the right forum or web site but here we go...

40 year old man, never married, no kids, actually got a vasectomy a few years back because I knew my relationship issues were dangerous and didn't wanna bring a child into that.

I've slept with close to 200 women, never paid for sex, no swingers, no wives (that I know of), just a lot of one night stands, casual relationships, or vacation sex. I've had a few good monogamous relationships but they only last 6 months or so. I also cheated on a few in almost every case it was lack of sex or physical intimacy.

I've felt I've had a sex addiction but part of me also feels most men in my position would if they could. Anyway let's get down to my mother... This is gonna be hard for me...

I love my mom and think she was a good mom. But I know she was a horrible wife to my dad who stayed by her till she died. I constantly watched he berate and verbally abuse/threaten him which he passively took. They probably never had sex after my last brother was born. My dad earned most of the money for the family which my mom spent on mostly stupid things, but some for us kids.... Like I said she was a good mom. The only thing I ever remember my dad insulting was her drinking. She drank unhealthy but I honestly don't feel like she was a full blown drunk.

Today I fall for the wrong women, I'm shallow to the core... and mostly find myself attracted to the women who push/pull me... when I've avoided genuinely beautiful girls w great sex that prob would have married me... To connect with a woman I not only need constant dirty and rough but not overly violent intimacy but I also need regular affection of hugs and kisses... Trust me if you saw me on the street you'd have no idea I'm that type of guy. I was one of 8 kids and know I wasn't hugged or held a lot. I wonder if this factors into the need for constant affection. I wonder if the need to sleep with so many women is a revenge for the verbal abuse I watched my dad take almost daily. And I wonder why I distrust everyone I date. I haven't spied on every girlfriend but the ones that have I unfortunately reinforce spying is worth it as I find infidelity in every case...

I can probably write a book on this but I'm not even sure who is gonna read down to this line so I'll leave it at that. Any thoughts, books I should read, further discussion? Of course I know therapy is an option.