I'm not sure where to write this. I am not sure what to say. I think the people on this forum might be the only ones who might hear or understand. It has been a hard week. Last week in Pilates, the instructor touched me to correct my form and I panicked. I was triggered. Then I went home and slept for 18 hours. I emailed T who focused on the good bit that I could tell the Pilates person to not touch me and said that we should discuss coping mechanisms, one better than just going to bed when I get overwhelming emotions. Then some time over the next couple of days,
Wednesday I told T. I wanted to tell her that the SH marks are an affirmation of how I feel about myself. We did talk about the negative thoughts and when my over-thinking goes off the wagon, too far off reality yet I still think it is true. Thursday I went to pdoc and had a panic attack. Getting vitals and the current nurse was training a new nurse and the current nurse was both (a) asking me if I wanted her or the new nurse to take vitals and (b) telling the new nurse that this was just my anxiety. I was saying, 'this is just what anxiety looks like.' Talking to pdoc i was shaking and nearly in tears. She said that she would be willing to call T to say pdoc supports me taking time off work. I said T would support it. Pdoc said that she'd be willing to write a note to get me off work. I'm a professor - it doesn't work like that. A note doesn't get me off work. I need to find substitutes to cover my classes. I have an accommodation under ADA that I just need to call my chair and she'll arrange coverage. Problem is, she is on sabbatical this year and we have a new, not helpful and very arrogant chair. I emailed t telling her what pdoc said and that it was overwhelming just to think about finding someone to cover classes. then t wrote back - take the day off - which feels like she way yelling at me telling me i am stupid to be so pathetic. then T wrote again to say that i should just call secretary.
at any rate, i took the day off and now feel like it was an overreaction to take the day off.
I am lost.