Hello!

I'm 35 years old and I've been in a serious and loving relationship for four years. My partner and I come from different backgrounds (but very similar cultures) and since the start of our relationship, he always wanted to meet my parents with the hopes of building a good relationship with them as well. My dad, on the other hand, disapproved once he found out that he's from a different background (nationality, religion) and not having the social status that he had hoped for. He refused to meet him or know anything about him for four years and always tried to discourage me from staying in this relationship, but for me those are the wrong reasons not to be with someone. My mom, on the other hand, was understanding and more flexible than dad. But because dad didn't want to meet him, my mom couldn't either. Mom was never taking sides between me and dad, and my partner believes that she should have sided with me to prove a point to my dad. Obviously, my dad and I were always arguing and that created a negative family environment and put a lot of strain on my relationship with my partner. My partner, despite knowing my dad wants nothing to do with him and despite feeling hurt, decided to start on a clean slate and surprised my father one day with a home visit, holding a bouquet of flowers and a box of sweets. My dad wasn't exactly welcoming with his interrogations and came across as condescending. It was so uncomfortable that the visit didn't even last more than 20 minutes.

After that incident, my partner told me that he really tried his best to get close to my parents (which he really did), but that he can't force them, which I understand. He made him feel like 'the ugly duckling'. He was never treated this way ever in his life and he felt truly insulted, which I completely understand too. He said that he wants us to spend our life together but that he doesn't ever want to meet my parents again, and that I can have a relationship with them as long as I don't ask for him to see them.

To give you a bit of my cultural background... normally a woman moves out of her parents' home once she decides to get married. I live with my parents because I love the family environment and in our culture it is normal to live with your parents no matter what age you are. I was about to move out from home five months back because of my dad's crisis but then my dad asked me not to move out and he promised he wouldn't ever tell me any negative comments, which he indeed stopped doing and completely changed his attitude with me and started accepting the fact that I wouldn't change my mind. He made efforts into not being selfish and stopped interfering with my relationship.

I love both my partner and my parents. My partner introduced me to his family in his country last month and it went really well. However, they have no idea how my family treated him. Now even though dad started changing for the best, my partner promised he will never come back from his word and will never meet them because they did wrong by him.

How am I going to get married when my partner wants nothing to do with my parents anymore? Am I just going to wake up one day and tell my parents that I'm leaving home? that we're getting married and that there won't be a wedding?

That means that once I'm married, I am going to visit my parents by myself. When my parents will need me, it's just going to be me. That means I can never spend holidays with them or spend weeknights together if I have children one day. We're talking about my parents who raised me. Although they were unfair with our relationship and my dad had turned into a boogeyman, they were good to me and supportive in everything else, all the way. My parents are first generation immigrants and still hold on to their home country's mentality, plus they're old.

My partner asked me not to ever try and ask him to have anything to do with my parents because he will never change his mind.

How am I supposed to deal with this situation?