Quote:
Originally Posted by psychmaze
Hello!
Mom was never taking sides between me and dad, and my partner believes that she should have sided with me to prove a point to my dad. Obviously, my dad and I were always arguing and that created a negative family environment and put a lot of strain on my relationship with my partner. My partner, despite knowing my dad wants nothing to do with him and despite feeling hurt, decided to start on a clean slate and surprised my father one day with a home visit, holding a bouquet of flowers and a box of sweets. My dad wasn't exactly welcoming with his interrogations and came across as condescending. It was so uncomfortable that the visit didn't even last more than 20 minutes.
After that incident, my partner told me that he really tried his best to get close to my parents (which he really did), but that he can't force them, which I understand. He made him feel like 'the ugly duckling'. He was never treated this way ever in his life and he felt truly insulted, which I completely understand too. He said that he wants us to spend our life together but that he doesn't ever want to meet my parents again, and that I can have a relationship with them as long as I don't ask for him to see them.
I love both my partner and my parents. My partner introduced me to his family in his country last month and it went really well.
Am I just going to wake up one day and tell my parents that I'm leaving home? that we're getting married and that there won't be a wedding?
My partner asked me not to ever try and ask him to have anything to do with my parents because he will never change his mind.
How am I supposed to deal with this situation?
|
Having been married for 31 years and having experienced many conflicts in my family, my POV is that your mother sounds wonderful. If she had taken sides against your dad (especially if it was in a very public way), it would have put a huge strain on her marriage with your dad. Your partner should understand this and also at least understand the position your mom is in.
Do you think there are any similiarities between your dad and your partner? My POV is that your partner's reaction (that he will have nothing to do with your dad) is a bit like your father's behavior.
How long ago did the incident take place? If you announce you are getting married to your parents, maybe your father would take the initiative to make a fresh start? If you get married then both your partner and your dad will have to learn to tolerate each other. Perhaps a formal wedding would help? Is your partner this "pig headed" on other issues? If he loves you, he should continue to try to tolerate your dad. Of course, if the incident was recently, maybe he just needs time to get over the hurt/anger that he feels over it. Of course, if you have children, my POV is that it is best for the children to have a relationship with all their grandparents.
I am sorry your partner is saying it's him or your parents.
He should be thinking of your feelings in this too. Unless he comes around, this will probably eventually happen in other situations too, so don't back down on this. Try to continue to talk about it with him. This is a situation where you and your partner have to come to some kind of compromise or he should at least be willing to acknowledge your feelings. I say this as a person who sometimes didn't confront my partner about issues because he was so stubborn. That I didn't confront him more directly was either because of my low self esteem or it caused low self esteem. When we fight for what we want and believe--it makes us much happier in the long run. Don't back down on this! Tell your partner exactly how this whole thing makes you feel until he at least acknowledges your feelings!
