I had a major meltdown today. My mania used to be anger and sometimes physical aggression (towards items not people or animals) but lately it’s just a lot of sobbing and screaming. It’s so embarrassing. I feel out of control. My boyfriend pointed out that I was a mess. That didn’t help of course. I am traveling for work and had to leave for several days. I always get a little moody when I have to travel. Long distance driving is anxiety inducing. Not to mention being “on” the whole time. Conference, then dinner and drinks (and I don’t drink). So— yeah. He got frustrated with my anxiety and I just went down a rabbit hole.

It was bad. Sobbing on the ground bad. This is twice in two weeks. I feel lost. Work is so stressful. I’m feeling really unstable. I am taking my meds and seeing my therapist but gosh it’s hard sometimes.

I used to not feel anything. When I wasn’t medicated. I’d get angry but most of the time I just felt nothing. I was so depressed. My manic swings sucked of course. Now, I feel better generally but the mania still is hard and my friends and family see me so friendly and positive most of the time so my manic episodes seem to be way out of nowhere. I am doing better. I’m not angry all the time. I’m not ideating. No self harm. But- ah. I feel like such a failure on days like today. And the crying is new.