I'm sorry you continue to struggle with all of this Fuzzy. I wish you great peace in your life. I've written before, here on PC, that had I been a normal child I think I might have had pretty good parents, at least in terms of how parenting was done at the time. Unfortunately I was far from a normal child. Somehow, I don't know how, I learned there were things about myself I must never tell anyone. And so I didn't. And, over time, this "not talking" spread to many other things as well that I could have talked about had I known how. Some of what I hid I've never divulged to this day. I'll take all with me to the crematorium...