Hey Bermuda,

I can HEAVILY relate to what you're describing in your post above. First of all I hope you keep checking back here as I can see you don't have many posts. No matter what happens, please keep checking back and if nothing else, just reading. I am very similar to you, I'm also an alcoholic, but have not had a drink in 4 years and 4 months. You have to resist the urge to not come back here no matter what feelings are telling you not to. That is your alcoholism, and own mind (connected to the alcoholism) trying to play tricks on you. Doubts that pop in your head like "it's not really THAT bad" or "It's me not the alcohol" are just your mind playing tricks on you so you go back to what your mind convinces you is helping you (alcohol).

Your post is asking for help, and that is the clear headed you, realizing that you need to do something for to help yourself. If you don't take anything else from my post, just keep checking back here (the forums in general, addiction section) for a few days at least, and know that things don't have to continue this way.. If things are slow here and you aren't getting responses, I would consider reading more into A.A and local groups that deal with alcoholism (this will help your problems of being alone). A.A people are laregely some of the most non-judgemental people you will ever meet. They welcome newcomers.

I know the place you are at right now, very very well, as I was trapped there for many years myself. My father had become a bar fly for all of my life (I'm currently 34 and he's deceased). I'd avoided alcohol until late high school, but I'd begun drinking like you, around college, and eventually joined him in the bar fly lifestyle heading into my mid-20s (did month long rehab but was back to it at 27 and just passed 30 years old). Most of my 20's was some version of this, though, when you're younger it all seems a little more "normal" as in the partying lifestyle. What jumped out for me was your inability to be alone. This may be the hardest for you to hear and I don't mean to make light of it. I say that because I too have this issue, and am only now in the process of understanding it within myself.

When I say fear of being alone, I mean I got to the point where, I feared the night time. I began having panic attacks just driving around alone. I could have had the most PERFECT day, I would have the best intentions of NOT going out to a bar. To not drink. Then when night time came, I would try something else, cooking dinner, TV, videogames, chatting with a friend, cleaning, but the craving, and the fear of missing out what was happening at the bar, just being alone with myself and mind, was too much. If I did manage to just lock myself in my apartment, the next day was that much harder because I thought, well surely I can't do it again. I did this hundreds of times with myself, maybe thousands. It wears you down so much. It's ok to cry and feel vulnerable right now. It's a lonelyness that few will experience. But you are NOT alone. You may have heard about a "bottom." This is a bottom for you. BUT, the thing to remember about bottoms is that they can always get worse. It's like an elevator. You can choose, even if it feels like you can't right now, you can choose to have this be your bottom and where you start to rise again. I would say your seeking of women is also related to this fear of being alone. But first things first, don't pile on yourself right now. The other issues will seem much easier to work on when you've removed the alcohol and you can.

The self-loathing that comes from bouts of drinking, and the consequences, in this case, failed relationships with women, work problems, the complete emptyness, can be dibilitating but there is hope. The one thing you can do, to keep that hope going (which you still have otherwise you wouldn't have posted here) is to stop the drinking. That's priority #1. The fear of being alone, and relationship issues are all being made 100 times worse by the alcohol. It is the source of new problems, but also keeping you from working on the other problems that it makes flare up when you've had too much. This may sound impossible but people are doing it everyday and you can join them.

I will wrap this up and say, to keep this going, check back here, and read, or post frequently. But it's not enough early on. I would also begin looking into A.A meetings in your area. You can right now, today, replace going to a bar, with just going to a local meeting. You can find out when they start and the location, and just show up. You don't have to say anything, talk to anyone at all. There is nothing to know or special handshake, you can just go in grab some coffee and sit and listen. Also in this time, be kind to yourself and your own mind as best you can. It's ok to cry and to get this stuff out, but it's also time for action to handle the booze problem. Finally, some won't like this, but give A.A a chance. IF you find after some work, that it is not for you, there are alternatives. But for now I would look to A.A as a friendly place you can go to be around people who don't drink. I wish you the best and know that you are not alone.