sarcgeo, I am sorry you are struggling emotionally with how things are progressing and changing. It's important that you reach out for therapy so that you can finally talk about not only your past and how that affected you, but also your long struggle to heal which does include your trying to avoid "feeling" by turning to alcohol. It's good that you corrected that, however, it doesn't really sound as though you got the help to sort things out in yourself. This is probably coming out in the anger you struggle with from time to time.

You can love another person, want to be a part of that other person's life and that other person becomes unhappy about their life and often that has a lot more to do with them than you being the failure. You most likely want to "fix" things and often that simply is NOT in your power. This is what you experienced with your unhappy mother, and now with your unhappy wife. The sense of "powerlessness" is the same, yet, it's important that you don't take on all the blame and finally sit and work through how you feel and why this is such a challenge for you.

You can "still" be a loving and influencial presence for your daughter. She may have some challenges herself due to her mother's unhappiness and taking a different direction in her life. You know first hand how challenging this can be for a child, it's normal you are concerned. However, if you sit there in sadness you will not be a source of support to your daughter that you could be when she needs it down the road. Your daughter has to contend with a sibling that needs extra attention, a mother who is often drained by that and not happy about her life. This is a lot for a young child to deal with, they simply do not have the skills and can often feel powerless and lonely. So, as a father, you can STILL provide a source of love and guidance so your daughter has some kind of presence she can turn to where she feels loved and gets attention instead of having to deal with things she has no idea how to understand and deal with.

While your wife is choosing to live a separate life from you, you do still have a right to love and care for your daughter and to "be" a father to your little girl. Your daughter will benefit from your taking an interest in her and planning things she will enjoy when you have time with her that revolve around HER. What young children need is nurturing that constantly give that child permission and constant support to develop their OWN identity. A presence that shows unconditional love so that child really feels safe to embrace their own personal identity.

Your young daughter should NOT be expected to try to thrive in an environment where she unknowingly absorbs the unhappiness of a parent/parents. Young children simply have no idea what to do with that kind of environment. Actually, this is part of what you are feeling now, that you had also felt as a young child that YOU did not know what to do with yourself.

You are right, "It is sad".

Your wife got pregnant young, had to care for a very challenged child and never got to have her own personal "exciting" and independent life that so many experience in their 20's. Unfortunately, what she is going through you can't fix, just like you could not fix whatever was lacking for your mother either. (wonder if your mother began to experience this around the same age too, it happens). Even your wife's education revolved around the needs of someone else. IMHO, your wife is craving to experience some "freedom". However, this can come at a cost to others, and often a hurt to a young child that you are very familiar with yourself.

If I remember correctly, your father was just at a loss, may have been different for you if he was not that way and made it a point to pay more attention to you. That ususally does help as children can do well with a good mentor figure. Well, think about that, don't be like your father was, heal and grow and be a parent to your child. Yet, also take time to heal yourself and continue to grow as a person.