Even though I am sitting on 3/4 of my original Lithium dose my body and mind are still adjusting. I had tried to taper lower but things got bad so I jumped back up. That was five days ago and while some of the worst symptoms calmed down immediately I still feel unstable. My emotions are just so damn strong. Last night I couldn't stop crying. I feel so alone in all this. I have few friends who I rarely see and a partner who is very self-absorbed right now. It just hurts to exist, but it is also a great joy. I am very anxious too. It comes in waves. My mood is starting to waver too. Yesterday I felt down, even suicidal at times. I literally had to sit on my hands for a bit, stay still, and wait out the impulse to harm myself. It was intense. ****ing Lithium. I am determined to push through and come off it but I am not going down any further until my emotions calm down. On the plus side the nausea Ive had has led to me losing a little weight as I struggle to eat much.

This morning I went for another long walk along the beach. It calms me, and is good exercise. My energy is returning but I am still weary, just not bedridden. Soon I am heading to my parents place to 'babysit' their house while they are in Bali. It is a hassle packing and all but they have the most amazing stereo system and giant TV so it should be fun. My partner is coming too. He is also dealing with med changes (also Bipolar) so we are both on edge. I just hope we can relax together and not get on each others nerves. My future is a blank slate. I am trying to figure out my path forwards. While I do that I am just doing what I can to stay healthy, get my meds sorted out, and stay stable and out of hospital. I need to get a job soon but feeling so emotionally volatile and anxious makes that impossible for now. My whole life has been a fight for survival. I am tired of fighting. I want to play and laugh more.