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BipolarWolf
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Member Since Sep 2019
Location: Texas
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Default Sep 24, 2019 at 01:42 PM
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdDancer View Post
I thought I had added a post here, with the others, but I guess I didn't.

I have definitely experienced this type of memory loss. Thanks for sharing a more precise term for why/how this happens. I have always just used the more casual "manic blackouts". I know I've encountered many people over the years that have written about this.

I had 10 hospitalizations and 12 PHP/IOPs, though I only really remember 5 hospitalizations, or maybe at least bits of 6. Bits of long periods even earlier in life, when I was clearly manic, are mostly lost -- way beyond the normal memory loss of mundane days. I agree that it is disconcerting. I remember asking my husband a number of times to tell me about my behavior or what happened during those "lost manic days". He usually refused to tell me. I'm sure he refused partly because it was too difficult to talk about and partly because he thought it best that I not know. Truth is, many of those "lost times" were likely traumatic to varying degrees. Very often when I was experiencing psychosis, it wasn't "magical" or "marvelous", but frightening or severely disconcerting. I often had delusions of persecution.
I have done that too, where I swore that I wrote a post, but then looked for it and couldn't find anything. I understand that. You certainly have more experience with hospitalizations and such then I do. I think it was very loving of your hubby to not tell you about your episodes.

I don't understand how people think of their psychosis as magical or marvelous, so I get what you are saying there also. When I had my last episode, I had the persecutory kind. I don't want to experience that again. It was very dark and scary. I hope you are doing well and that things are calm for you now. / hugs

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current meds:

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-Hydroxyzine
-Risperidone
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Psychotherapy 2-3 times a month as needed
Bipolar 1, PTSD
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