What you are experiencing sounds really difficult. Have you been struggling like this for awhile? You deserve compassion as you deal with this. It's not your fault so try not to listen to those critical voices in your head that are telling you unkind things. Some of what you describe does remind me of the mixed episode I experienced, although I cannot say if that's the cause for you. Are there any professionals you might be able to trust to discuss this with? I know you mentioned having bad experiences in the past with professionals and I am sure that makes trusting hard. I am sorry that happened to you.