Thank you simplex, that means a lot.

"From my rough childhood onward I was just kind of existing and being as nice as I could while trying to hide the rage I felt inside." That has also been me for way too long. This recent incident of driving away a great girl by drinking has brought a lot of it back, but I am now into day 4 and am trying to do other things like walking and avoiding carby and fatty snacks. Nothing wrong with those for me usually, but I am finally just trying to sit with the terrible pain. They say pain is the best teacher, which really is kind of messed up, but I feel like in some ways it can be true. In this case even thinking about going to a bar makes me sad for her again. So I am riding that as long as I can.

My next step is to become less isolated. Part of my current anguish is that for some reason I did not make the connection that she was the first deep connection I have had in ages, and to lose that so fast made me see all the other lack of connection there while I took her for granted. The 99% of my emails that are from stores or spammers. The fact that so much of my social life has revolved around drinking that I don't know how to plan. And the fear that wherever I go I will be reminded of her.

I am thinking about going to an in-person AA meeting as you suggested, which may be one way of being less isolated but also maybe in the company of people who surely know what I am going through.

BermudaRectangle.