I am sorry you are still struggling! You always express yourself so beautifully. Many who are in pain have had misfortunes but we also keep thinking about the misfortune instead of focussing of the present and future.
It can be hard to figure out how to make our future better when we are mired in our pain.

Like Tisha, I found I had to take drugs in order to quiet the negative records that kept replaying in my head. Perhaps it was a type of depression that caused it. I find that when I let up on my meds, those catastrophic thoughts come right back. Sometimes when you think it will all turn out bad--you make it so! And you can't be uplifting either.

I hope you can figure out a way to make your life better. For me, I am trying to do that by working more (whether paid or just taking care of what I have) and thinking less. I try to be happy with what I have and assume I will be able to earn more by doing my best when I work. Sometimes our thoughts are just as wounding as our reality. I hope things get better for you.