I am sorry you are suffering. I have been in a similar place for a little while. It is a constant battle to fight these thoughts and urges and keep going. I find it absolutely exhausting by the end of the day. I keep bringing myself back and bringing myself back and bringing myself back and--ah, it wears me out! But I march on because I don't want to go there. Distraction seems to be helpful. I have a couple of activities that I still enjoy for some reason, so I try to do them every day. It helps. Talking here and to some of the very few people who still actually support me helps. And I march on.

I do agree with the idea of getting in touch with your pdoc. Just to be sure he or she doesn't want to make any changes. In the mean time, keep reaching out. Don't throw in the towel. You can do it. Maybe think if there is some kind of activity you might get even a small amount of enjoyment from and give it a try.

Hang in there. It's super, super hard. But you can push through it. I know you can.