Thanks, simplex. Almost onto Day 5. I made a call to the therapist I had stopped seeing in the spring and he had a cancellation this evening so I was able to see him and recount the above story. He has always recommended that I stop drinking because I have so much trouble drinking in moderation. He was understanding and supportive and I may start going to him. I cried for the first time ever in his office, I am still hurting from missing the Australian lady. I know many people will think she's too young or she's halfway around the world, but this one was more meaningful than someone might expect. And I absolutely ruined it and hurt and shocked her a lot for her to stop communicating with me.

I'm bracing myself for heading to an AA meeting sometime over the next week, if only to look for a non-harmful evening without being isolated. I'm even thinking crazy things like if she got back in touch and we somehow met up would she see me as pathological for having to quit drinking because I can't handle my liquor. I have a lot of shame and anger over these kinds of manhood issues. I don't feel like a real adult because I can't drink in moderation. It's embarrassing and I'd feel so inadequate hanging out with her or even a date here at home but with no drinks. But I get that all of those thoughts are irrational but I don't know what to replace them with.

But man, the whole world has lost its color. Everything makes me feel sad and pining for her. I have to find a way to be productively compassionate with myself because I am inclined to think that God put her in my life, even if for a short time of mutual enjoyment and connection, and what damage inside of me decided going to bars to drink was a better option? Insane.