Today’s session ended up being quite intense. R came in and sat down and apologised for not having a chance to reply to my e-mail.
‘No problem. I went to a Lapidus meeting on Saturday.’
‘Is that for work?’
‘It’s personal, but crosses over into the professional.’
‘Okay.’
‘we were introduced to some great resources that might be useful personally and professionally.’
I explained that the facilitator asked me how I was, and I responded by talking about work.
‘How did that feel?’
‘I felt awkward, so I apologised for dodging her question, and then proceeded to dodge it in a different way.’

‘We’ve done some work on that, so how would you respond to ‘How are you, Lost?’ if you were going to be authentic?’

‘Professionally, things are great. Personally, I get tangled in language and don’t know how to respond.’

‘If you had said something like that, there are a couple of possibilities – you might find that they move on, or ask more questions. Is there fear there?’

‘Yes.’ I explained that after the workshop had finished, my Mum needed to pick up some bits, so we went to a shop, and that was a trigger. I began to laugh, and then clarified.

‘October approaching – Breast Cancer Awareness Month is a big thing for this shop. There was a huge display of pink stuff.’

‘A huge trigger – is there hurt there?’

‘Yes. It would be great if the pink stuff actually did anything!’

‘Do I detect a bit of anger?’

‘Yes. It’s a double-edged sword now, because my friend should be here to help me deal with this, although I wouldn’t change a thing.’

R asked whether I talk to family about this, and I said that I don’t.
I mentioned that I still feel a longing, even though Chris and I didn’t have the kind of relationship where we could have a weekly coffee.

‘Is the missing there?’

‘Yes.’

R said that she wanted to be careful about her next words, and then mentioned that she had observed an almost spiritual relationship between me and Chris. ‘I don’t know how that makes you feel. It’s almost like you still want her to be that person…’

‘Your hands are clenched quite tightly...Shall I move?’

‘Yes, please. It’s funny that you should mention the spiritual relationship with Chris first, because I feel as though my desire to maintain that relationship is getting in the way of my being able to express the anger I feel towards those people.’

‘Oh!’

‘Although I never experienced Chris being angry, I am sure she must have felt it at some point. Just because I didn’t see it, doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.’

‘No.’
R said it sounded like I was comparing my own anger with anger that I imagined from Chris.
R said that I had come to mind in a conversation she had with a friend recently. She mentioned that her friend works with anger ‘In a different context…abuse victims…’ but she had explained to R that when most people think of anger, they think of violence, shouting and screaming, but…

‘Anger is an emotion, not a behaviour. Behaviours come from emotions.’

‘And because I don’t express my anger, it makes me feel physically ill. I need to find a way, but I don’t want to weaponise my words.’

‘You’ve got me thinking now about how I express anger. When I am angry with my kids, my patience isn’t good, so I might raise my voice.’
‘The theme for National Poetry Day this year is Truth.’

‘That is a powerful one. Are you going to do that thing where you say you aren’t going to write anything, and then write something amazing?’

‘It is a powerful one, especially in this context. My truth at the moment is that I am absolutely livid, and don’t know how to express it.’

‘Absolutely livid.’
'I am trying so hard to hold it together.'
'I can feel that. I know we're gripping quite tightly, but I can feel that.'

‘Short of an unsent formal complaint.’

R said that what she really wanted to say to me today was ‘You don’t need to be ashamed of being angry.’

‘My anger is justified.’

We wrapped up then, and R invited me to spend some time before session looking back and seeing how far I have come. She cautioned me again on using Chris as a role model, and not losing my sense of self.