I hope that you will reconsider going to see a doc. it is extremely important to have an available treatment team. I would be a total mess again with out my team. I am guilty of putting myself down as well. my doc told me that this is actually a form of self-harm. it never dawned on me until he worded the way he did.

do you think it would help you to reach out to the few folks that do respect you and try to tell them how you are feeling?
no need to apologize, I get it. keep posting, keep us updated. even if you just want "grrrrrr" it all helps.