When I first met my partner, he had a lot against him. He is on disability, he couldn’t find healthcare, he barely scraped by each month, and all that makes for a challenge. But he was optimistic. He told me his dreams and his plans and I thought - this can work. I don’t judge someone on where they are. We all have troubles. So we dated. And we got along really well. He was kind and sweet and caring. Made me feel hopeful for the future.

But once that honeymoon period died down, I watched the weeks tick by and all he did was talk about the future but never act on it. Weeks turned to months and he began to express frustration about being broke and feeling badly. So, I offered to help. I helped him find good health insurance for less than $25/mo. I helped him find doctors and specialists. I researched his condition and found the FDA had approved a new drug and I helped him apply for the grant to get it for $5 copay instead of the $14k. Even I’m impressed with getting that approved.. I helped him enroll in college (which he always said he hated dropping out of). He wanted a part time job so I helped him find one that he can work and still maintain his disability. And when I say help- I wasn’t being domineering. I would just subtly present an opportunity. Then if he asked for my help, I would.

And after all that, he’s still angry. He’s still upset. He’s still frustrated that the job isn’t good enough, the treatment isn’t fast enough, the school is too hard.

I essentially supported us for over a year. He was living in a bad place so I offered for him to rent a room from me after we’d dated a few months. I know- I know. I thought maybe that was why he was so depressed. Living around toxic room mates. So he moved in. He’d pay some toward bills but he said he barely got any $$. So I just sucked it up and I supported us. When he got this job though, I asked for him to help with groceries. And he still is upset about that. He said I am taking advantage of him.

Meanwhile I work a full time job that is very high stress. I have tried everything I can think of to support him. At times it felt like I was enabling him. And now he is angry every morning he has to go to work and says he just wants to do something he loves. He said this is the worst job ever. He works a few hours a day at an elementary school helping monitor the kiddos during lunch. He does some janitorial there- clean the tables, mop the floors. But— as jobs go, there are way worse ones I think. But to him it’s the worst. So I asked what he wants to do and he said he wants to be an artist.

I just feel like he’s living in dream land. He used to drive a truck and said he loved that but he quit it because of his health. Now he says it’s because he was depressed. I encouraged him to go do that again if he loves it. But he just gets mad and says no.

I myself struggle with bipolar disorder but I’m not allowed to experience any symptoms around him because he takes it personally so I medicate myself and see my own therapist. I am holding down this fort. But it’s really difficult. Some days I sit in my car before meeting with a client and cry.

I just feel like a failure. He has so much potential but nothing is ever good enough. He went an entire year and barely left the house. He’d just sit at home, vaping and watching tv. That was it. I thought he needed time but he had time. Now he’s doing something at least (not without a lot of support) but if anything he’s even angrier. He’s just always angry. Always depressed. Always telling me I just don’t know what he’s going through. Which of course I don’t. He’s his own person. But I want to sometimes say - what about me? What about my needs? What about my mental health? What about my stressful job? What about my bills that are barely getting paid because I’m supporting two people?

I’m just feeling very lonely. I’m feeling lost. I don’t want to be an enabler. But every time I bring this up he freaks out. I love him dearly but he used to be my partner. And now he’s just... I don’t know what this is.