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Originally Posted by BipolarWolf
well its been a while since I did this... so lets see, I feel really down and worthless, like a waste of space, basically shi*.
I am still not able to get into my psych until the 7th, I have tried to get in sooner, checking with them daily. I know I need a med adjustment, and an increase in my a.d. because it is so low. the headaches are getting progressively worse, light sensitive, tremors throughout my body. tardive dyskinesia, trying to listen to music and distract myself. nothing feels good, I don't want to lay down, because I am in fear I wont sleep later on at bedtime. I have been googling tons of stuff online, reading what my mind will allow me to. hard to type but I am doing it anyway. flashbacks all day- all the time of all my mistakes I have made. I know that this stuff isn't healthy and isn't doing me any good because I cant change the past. I am isolating as usual, even doing small tasks feels like torture. that's all pretty much. so yeah.  |
Hugs. I know what it feels like to carry the weight of the guilt and shame of choices made when you weren't well. I also know what it is like to have those images assault your mind.
You're right, you cannot change the past, but you can fight like Hell to not repeat it. You are a fighter and you are making choices in the moment trying to help yourself. The moment is all you have. It is all you can control. Keep going, one moment at a time and give yourself credit for making it through. You are so much more than you can see right now. You've shown us wonderful and valuable parts of yourself by being in service to others on several occasions. That is no small thing. It's selfless and beautiful.
I know you like music. I enjoy your song selections. You have taste in music that matches a lot of what I enjoy. Sometimes though we need something that is of a different type of resonance to disrupt our thought patterns. I was wondering if there is anything upbeat and motivational you enjoy? Or maybe something soothing like meditation music. It might help break you out of this space if only for a moment.