the hospital icon was for the %#@&#!-up-ery i am in...

i am in yet another med change, i posted in the women support forum.. it;s hormonal and it's making me crazy - again. im not myself. im blurting things out. i burst into tears. i am extremely hypersensitive and i have been having more mental confusion, the kind like when T said i "..seemed like i was feeling very small (as in young)"

i feel awful.

and the physical is enough to drive anyone bonkers. i am in so much pain its unbelievable.... and today? i fell - TWICE. i have messed myself up. (for those who do not know, i have a disorder which is slowly crippling me. i have chronic pain and always have one joint or other messed up )

i never ask "why me?" because i dont believe in anything or anyone directing what goes on and so i am not hand-picked to suffer or something. But... having said that.. sometimes i beg for a break... you know?

im struggling with the break up... i thought once i said i wanted out.. i thought i'd feel relieved.. instead i feel so deeply sad and i miss H like crazy. Stupid huh? i haven't forgotten anything.. but i didn't stay married just because i couldn't leave.. i really loved him and the feelings didnt go away. So... i sit here with all my ice packs and pain meds and want to call H - just to be able to talk to someone.. someone who wants to talk to me.

i call T instead of H.. i leave him tedious, boring and dumb *** messages.. me whining.. how does he put up with all that?

but T says to try and access the feelings that made me think of leaving in the first place. he said to think about the things that happened.. connect with them... stay with those instead...

so here is one.. i will share one here... because it makes it more real somehow

this is so hard..

summer before last... i was confined to bed.. i couldn't bear weight on my legs hardly at all... going as far as the bathroom was so painful. So for several weeks i was out of commission... unable to do much of anything. i surfed the net, downloaded music.. and i remembered this song, which reminded me of H. i was grateful for his taking on the house stuff and all my jobs while i was laid up. i thought about how hard he worked and how he was putting me through school.. and i downloaded Josh Grobin's "you raise me up" for him... i felt like i was going to get to be an artist because he was letting me stand on his shoulders.. like in the song.

honestly, i was moved.. i felt connected to the love i had...

i tried to play it for him.. and i got the lyrics too - so he could get them off the printer.

i don't remember what i said that set him off.. i dont remember just what i did that caused him to be so mad... but he went into a rage and started screaming at me. He was demanding an apology, demanding i admit how wrong i was and how right he was... but nothing i said seemed to be enough. i did apologize.. i did admit everything he wanted and more. i started to cry.. i couldn't get away.. i was trapped there in the bed and any move was agony..

oh god.. im crying now even..

i kept trying to get him to listen to the song.. to hear how much i cared and was grateful.. i kept begging him to stop.. that i was so sorry..

i have to stop.. i cant do anymore.. this is enough.. im sorry if i am boring anyone.. im sorry