So... I have a FWB and I'm definitely in love with him. We started out as friends... We actually started bonding deeply over the fact that we both felt like complete losers. He started telling me that he thought I was very attractive and he said "I love you". I know it sounds stupid, but I've never had any man tell me that they loved me romantically. I've had guys want to sleep with me and I've had guy friends that I've been sexually involved with, but when I asked them, "Do you love me?" They'd usually say something along the lines of, "Well.... I don't know if I love you *yet*". Or they'd change the subject, as though they were ashamed to love me, or ashamed to admit it... Or maybe they didn't even love me at all and just used me for sex... Whatever.
Anyway, my FWB said right away that he loved me. And I fell hard for him. It started off great... He "worshipped" me, practically. He always put my needs before his own. I was his queen, so to speak. He made me feel special, made me feel like I was beautiful. He told me often how lovely I was and how I deserved to be treated well.... I love(d) him very much.
A while ago, (I'm so sorry I can't remember exact times or dates or anything) he started saying some scary things. I told him that I loved him very much and that I would do absolutely anything for him. He's currently jobless and has been trying really hard to find work, but it hasn't been working out for him. I'm pretty sure he has depression, but I was trying really hard to be supportive. He said he was feeling sad one day... Well, he's been sad often, but I remember this particular day because I asked him, "What can I do to help?" And he was like, "Do you really love me?" And of course, I said, "Yes!! I'll do absolutely anything to make you feel better" And he asked me if I would have sex with a stranger for him... And I said, "Well, I'm very shy.. I don't think I'd feel comfortable-" But he said, "You love me, right? If you want to prove to me that you are a good girl and that you truly love me, you'll do it."
I felt cornered. But I said "I'll try"... because what were my other options?! "Sorry, I guess I don't love you that much"????
Things kinda spiraled from there. He started talking about how he wanted to physically hurt me. Things like, choke me, slap me, punch me, "make me cry" etc. I talked to some friends about it and they referred me to a domestic violence hotline. To which, I used their chat option. The agent was kind and gave me a lot of helpful info. But, even though I became aware that FWB was possibly violent, I still did everything I could to make him happy...
Recently, he slapped me and forced himself on me. (Granted, I did not fight back... so maybe it's partially my own fault) I was in so much pain physically and emotionally that I laid in bed for the next three days... When I finally got out of bed to do more than just pee, I went online to talk to my 'friends' about what's been happening... Only to find that many of them turned their backs on me. I'd been offline for three-ish days, and upon my return, I saw many of my 'friends' have moved their conversations along without me. I've since tried my damned hardest to include myself in conversations, but have been met with a cold shoulder. It's hard to not feel like it's on purpose.
It hurts sometimes because I feel cast out, in some sense. The only people I attract much anymore are creepy guys who really only care about sex. I've had several men approach me in these last few weeks with "Ooh, you're sexy"s and "Wow, you have a great body", "Your boobs are so huge"... But it's not complimenting... I feel really washed up right now. I don't think anyone could find me attractive anymore. I'm not beautiful like FWB used to say... I've had all the "fun" beaten out of me. And now I'm not good for anything but sexual favors.
I feel... disgusting, I guess.
I've been a victim of rape and sexual assault in the past too... It feels like no matter where I go, who I meet, where I am.... I am always going to be re-victimized eventually. I was committed April of last year and was sexually assaulted while in the ambulance on my way to the hospital. Before that, I had been raped by an "ex". FWB knew that I had issues with sexual abuse, he acted like he cared. He even asked me when we first started getting sexually involved if I had a problem saying 'no', and to that, I answered 'yes' and he said, "Okay, I'll try to be more attentive and I'll try not to put you in a position where you feel you can't say 'no'." When he did force himself on me, I did not say "no" and I barely even fought back... I don't want to go into more detail than that. I guess it might have been my fault for not saying anything though...
I feel like I'm outcasted from everyone. When people find out what my situation is, they slowly peel back from their conversations with me... And some just ignore me completely. I try and try to get involved, I try to maintain friendships. But it feels like everyone says, "Leave him!" "He doesn't love you!" but I never listen... I *can't* leave him! I can't... I care for him too much, and I want to be there to support him while he's feeling bad about his lack of a job. I love him. And I've had too many bad fall outs with friends that my heart cannot CANNOT handle losing another person... especially one who says that they love me.
I'm 24, but I feel like my life is over at this point. No one will ever love me anymore... at least, not truly. I can't imagine anyone finding me attractive either at this point. I'm literally only good for sex, and not even *good* sex at that. I lay in bed sometimes and think about how my life ended up like this. I always thought I'd be ding something great by now. I thought I'd be married, I thought I'd have children... I thought I'd be living my best life. I barely have any friends, and the ones I *do* have, I haven't told about FWB. If people saw the "real me", this disheveled shell of a woman, they'd find me pathetic and leave me too...
I'm diagnosed with schizophrenia and PTSD and it feels like a lot of men use it against me... I don't really want to explain this further.. But I mentioned it because my mom feels since I have schizophrenia that it makes me "too naive" to make decisions about sex and relationships. She's aware that FWB and I are sexually involved, but she doesn't know that he has been hurting me. I try to keep it a secret. Mom already thinks I'm naive as it is... But if I told her what he did, she'd call the police. And I can't have her call the police because last time police were called (when I was raped previously) the police did nothing but shame me and leave. I can't go through that again.
I guess what I'm trying to say is... I'm feeling very weak. I know I'm pathetic. I know no one will ever find me to be beautiful anymore. That is why I am so desperate to make new friends. I want a better support system so that if (or when) the time comes, I have the strength to leave FWB and I have friends to support me. I do have a therapist, but she specializes in schizophrenia treatment. Although, she and I have discussed past sexual abuse before and she was kind and supportive... She's really the only support system I have right now other than maybe one or two people online. That's why I am always afraid of making mistakes. I don't want to be casted out anymore... I don't want to be alone anymore.