Topiarysurvivor,

I love this thread! I look forward to reading fellow survivor testimonies.

I will share my story in brief format and I will skip some of the content for the sake of brevity.

I entered DBT therapy around 5 years ago. When my attachment to my therapist became severe, I was given permission to express anger in therapy and I did just that; I left a series of angry voicemails on my therapists phone when she asked me to sign a contingency plan that would have limited me to 5 minutes per session to talk about issues of my choosing. Considering the immense attachment I had formed with her, and considering I had landed in hospital between sessions because the attachment was so unbearable, I needed to talk about issues of my choosing. This was unethical. I even tried to seek out additional drop-in therapy within the same system and they didn't like that and told me I would be kicked from DBT if it happened again. As a result of the angry voicemails, I was abandoned without warning and as a result, I threatened to end my life and was brought to the hospital.

In the hospital I was told they wanted to do a psych evaluation. I had already done a psych evaluation in order to get into DBT, so I asked for them to provide proof for who was asking for the psych assessment. A nurse printed out a document and highlighted the portion in question: I read from the top of the page and it said that the DBT program supervisor believed I was faking Borderline PD and wanted a psych evaluation done with suspicion that I had Antisocial PD. I immediately took this document from the nurse and read the entire thing, crying hysterically and calling my Mom to read her the content; it was absolutely BS. Security was called and took the document from me. I threatened a lawsuit.

I was transferred to a different unit and assigned a forensic psychologist. I was told that I had to do a psych evaluation, otherwise I would be barred from accessing treatment through the public healthcare system. I was also told that if I refused to do the test, it would look like I was hiding something. I was told by a psychiatrist on the unit that I had a monster hiding under the bed and they wanted to know what it was. Seeing what had already been written about me, I was terrified to do the test. I tried killing myself with a paperclip that I found on the floor of the hospital; I dug into my arm all the way down to my muscles and couldn't find a vein. I wanted to die so bad. I decided to do the test. Turns out they were wrong; I wasn't faking BPD and I wasn't a psychopath.

They apologized and offered me placement back into the same DBT program. Stupidly I went back....

Upon returning, I requested to review the document I had seen in the hospital with the program supervisor and my psychiatrist (who was away on vacation during this entire ordeal). They said not to order my health records, that it would be quicker for them for order them and they promised that I could have a copy of the document at the end of the following session. The next session we review the same document I had seen in the hospital and the program supervisor says she had saved the voicemails that led to all of this. After discussing the document, the program supervisor took the document from my hands and said that I could have it at a later date, that I was too dysregulated to have it at that time, and that it was all about survival...

Stupidly I believed them.

I was assigned a new therapist. In my first session with my new therapist, my psychiatrist asked me if I had recorded our prior sessions when we reviewed the document in question. I said no. A month or so into treatment, I requested the document that they had promised me. They responded by saying that they could not give it to me, that I would have to order it through legal channels... (not sure why they would tell me this). I then requested copies of the voicemails that led to all of this. The program supervisor apparently had them saved, and was willing to meet with me and provide copies. On the day I go in to get copies, the program supervisor said she had some bad news: they had lost the voicemails... (all but one that was completely unrelated).

I ordered my health records...

When I got my health records, that specific document I had seen was altered and falsified. It no longer said that the program supervisor said these things, it now said that a different psychiatrist (who I have never even met) said it.

Upon returning to the program, they know I was aware that this particular document had been altered. I was told, "If you kick, we will kick twice as hard." They also made jokes in DBT groups about how the court system was supposed to be fair but is not. I was threatened with being diagnosed with narcissism. The people I had been betrayed by, had betrayed me again, and now I was even more vulnerable. I told them I was going to private DBT and they claimed I was paranoid that they altered health records...

I went into private DBT in the same city. I told my therapist everything, she knew all of the people involved. Within 4 months, my private therapist hired the same therapist who started all of this. I was instantly betrayed. My private therapist said the only way I could continue therapy with her, is if I agreed to include my former therapist in consultations. Considering I was threatened to stay silent, I said no. She became cold and bitter and wrote exactly what they needed to write in my health records in order to destroy my credibility beyond repair: paranoia and memory loss. Convenient considering I had seen an original document twice before it was altered.

I left the private therapist and vowed never to trust a therapist again.

But I was deeply traumatized and in need of help still. So I went to drop-in style therapy for awhile and gained trust in the system again. Turns out this problem has been seen before and not all therapists wanted to throw me under the bus. I built some trust in the system again and felt it was time to see a long-term therapist again.

I went into a non-profit organization. I saw a therapist for about 6 months and at that point, requested to see her notes. When she reviewed them with me, they were amazing. Aside from minor discrepancies, the notes were ethical and she even defended my credibility. I felt safe and decided that I would not need copies of her notes. A month or so later, the public healthcare system moves in across the hallway and I get triggered. I immediately request copies of my notes. When I get them, they are changed; the particular parts that my therapist included that defended my credibility were removed, and my therapist denied changing anything. I was gaslighted and retraumatized, again. I was made aware that this problem of altering and falsifying health records was cultural and systemic. My therapist began to rub in the fact that she had changed the records. It was deeply traumatic and she messed with my head.

Around the same time, a distress center that I leaned on became cold and distant and also unsupportive. They re-traumatized me and disbelieved that I had experienced this; blaming it on me, rather than on the fact that cultural and systemic institutional betrayal was a real thing. I was abandoned by a distress line that I had depended on for years.

I was alone.

I found purpose in all of this and entered university with plans to become a journalist and advocate for change through post-traumatic growth. I saw a therapist at my campus for a year. After a few months of treatment, I had a phone call with my therapist that was deeply traumatic; she showed me her dark side. I was instantly re-traumatized and as a result, I had to do a medical withdrawal. I decided to forgive her and continue therapy with her - placing my heart on the table and giving her benefit of the doubt. She groomed me back into the therapeutic relationship, becoming exactly what I needed. I saw her throughout the remainder of the summer and we built rapport. Unfortunately, she decided to repeat my trauma and destroy my credibility beyond repair.

What I know now, is that universities have a vested interest in protecting the reputation of the campus. If students are, for instance, sexually abused on campus, they will usually go into therapy on campus. Campus therapists will destroy the credibility of survivors in preparation for potential lawsuits and complaints; no different than in any other system. It all comes down to Institutional Betrayal. It is a pattern that can be seen in every system. This one broke me down more an any other. I am still dealing with the effects... But I refuse to let her destroy me. Instead, it has added to my hard earned insight.

Thus concludes my findings: therapists do in fact protect therapists across the public, private and non-profit healthcare sectors. It is cultural and systemic and it needs to be exposed. I have been threatened more than once, but I will not give up. People out there know what is going on and there are MANY professionals waiting for an opportunity to speak up. Institutional betrayal is a hot topic and is slowly being exposed.

I thank all of my corrupt and unethical therapists for showing me the darkness that exists inside the psychological community. I am not alone, and I refuse to be silent. Alone we are without credibility, but together and in large numbers, we are a voice not to be reckoned with. I was recently approached by undercover journalists who can help... I will be working alongside as many people as I can in order to expose this and I believe that we can all conglomerate and spark a conversation as a group. Strength in numbers!

Don't give up - the truth will out and there is faith yet in humanity. There are good people doing good things and if we all play a small role in exposing this problem - I believe things will change.

Thanks,
HD7970ghz